What hangs in your heart?

Like a lot of pastor's I have a cross collection.  It's a fine way for my friends and family to share the central message of Christ and our faith with me.  I have fond memories when I look at each one and remember the person who gave it to me and why. 

One large cross hangs in the middle of the collection.  It was given to me by a dear friend with whom I have a very deep connection in the faith.  The cross is made of rough pine and has no ornamental value.  But it bears a shiny sword that hangs in the middle of the cross.  In Ephesians 6 Paul tells us to arm ourselves for battle against the devil and his demons by putting on the different central truths of the faith like armor.  The only offensive weapon in his list is the word of God which he calls "the sword of the Spirit."  What a clear message that sends.  The gospel of Christ is the the sword that kills the devil who tempts us to hate God and question his love.  The cross is of Christ cuts that enemy down! The word about the cross slaughters the guilt that so easily debilitates us too.  

The word of God that holds as it's central message "Christ crucified for us" is the sword God has put in our hands to defeat all the unbelief and wickedness that would otherwise ruin our lives.  

When I look at this cross bearing a shiny sword I think in my heart of my friend and her deep attraction to the word of God and I think about the reminder she has given me to faithfully fight with God's sword for the good of his flock and my own salvation. It hangs on my study wall but it also hangs in my heart.  

What hangs in your heart?  

Who is in YOUR corner?

Today, March 8 marks the 46th anniversary of what was called the fight of the 20th century.  Joe Frazier defended his heavy weight title against Muhammed Ali.  Maybe it was the fight of the century.  Joe Frazier won by decision after 15 grueling rounds.  But now both men have passed away.  They have met their maker.  The fight they had that night along with all of their other fights are irrelevant. 
Jesus’ fight for us will never be irrelevant.  It was the fight of eternity.  He won that fight for Joe Frazier and Muhammed Ali.  He won for us too.  Now, we can meet our maker with confidence and peace because Jesus entered the ring and won. #Jesusfights #temptation #jesusfightsthedevil #fightoffaith
 

At Home You Don’t Have to Live with Your Past

Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons.  The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.   “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need.  So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!  I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ So he got up and went to his father.  “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate.  For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.  “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing.  So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’  “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him.  But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

– Luke 15:11-32

A few years back I was intrigued by a man named, Chris, who coached my son’s basketball team. He is an incredible father to his son and daughter but he is also a great mentor for all the boys on his team. He befriended every parent too. I was so intrigued by his depth of character that I had to get a closer look to learn what made him tick. Behind every special leader there is a great story. So, I invited him to lunch. Over fried fish and chips he told me how he had been reared by a single mom in a small east Texas town. His father didn’t stick around to help rear him. Chris had to learn how to be a man by watching other men closely. Later in in our talk he pulled back the curtain that men so often use to hide the back stage of their lives. He said, “I reconnected with my real father about ten years ago when he moved to this area. He reached out by telephone to try to start a relationship with me. I drove over to his house and rang the doorbell. When my father stepped out on the porch I laid the groundwork for our relationship. I told him, ‘If we are going to have any relationship at all, we start right here and now and we don’t live in the past. I forgive you for never being there for me and I don’t want you to have to explain it or to blame anything on my mother. I don’t want to hear about her faults either. I just want to start with a clean slate.’”

From that day forward, Chris and his dad developed a close bond that gave them a wonderful ten years together. But Chris wanted me to know something else. He said, “None of the boys on my basketball team know this but right now my father is dying in the local hospital. He and I are very close and so after work and then basketball practice, I go to see him every night to spend time with him. I don’t want to lose any more time than I already have. He always asks me why the son he never was there for is now there for him. It’s because I forgave him.” Do you see what Chris did? He created a place in his heart for his dad by forgiving and refusing to ever bring up the past. That made it easy for his father to step in and step up. What Chris did as an adult son, too many fathers are clueless about. As the leader in your house you are to create a home where your wife and children don’t have to live with their past.

In all of the places outside our home our past follows us like a trailer packed with heavy trash. Think about it! Our driving record and criminal record both follow us for life. Our workplaces do “performance reviews” that are kept on file for the length of our careers. Worldly friends hold us accountable by leaving us over stupid sinful, mistakes we’ve made. Schools keep meticulous records on behavioral issues. The list is endless. Sadly, so many families follow suit because the fatherly leader wasn’t there to teach and model forgiveness. Or, even though he was there, he didn’t understand and believe that home is a place where you don’t have to live with your past. God designed the family so that once a mistake or sin is confronted, apologized for and forgiven, then your sin is expunged from the family record. Your relationship and place in the family is based on grace not your performance, no matter how badly you have messed up. This allows you to move forward in every family relationship without having to constantly earn love or make up for your sins. If we must earn love or make up for our sins then relationships amount to nothing more than a job. They are work. Family relationships are supposed to be made easy by grace. The concept isn’t new. It isn’t even a satellite truth orbiting out on the edge of Christian teaching.

Grace and forgiveness are the heart and soul of what Christianity is. In fact, Jesus taught his generation what Chris taught his dad; forgiveness gives us a new foundation on which to build a relationship. Take a look at the Parable of the Prodigal Son, in Luke 15. It’s printed above. The younger son was a selfish brat who took half of what his father had earned and squandered it on nothing but trashy entertainment. He disdained the father and his hard work by wasting every bit of it. The hurt that causes a father runs deep. But what did the father focus on? He focused on the fact that the younger son was still his son. He loved him as his own flesh and blood and not as an employee. Jesus was showing us what God is like. He is our father who focuses on us as his child, instead of letting our sins give us an identity in his mind. How can he do that? Well, his only begotten Son freed him from having to think about our sins. Jesus paid for all of them. That frees the father to love us without thinking about justice. All of our mistakes have been made right. All of them.

In Jesus’ parable the father runs out to love and forgive his son long before he apologizes, because he just wants his son back. God put our sins on the cross long before we apologize so when he sees us turn toward his home he’s free “emotionally” to run out to welcome us. God forgives our sin and welcomes us home each time we come crawling back. He just wants us back. Once we are back, he doesn’t want to bring up the past any longer. (Jeremiah 31:31-34) If he did, it would prevent him from having our whole heart. Instead, he wins us over when we understand how freely we have been forgiven. What’s more, since we know that we don’t have to live with our past, we like to hang around God. His love is a safe place. We are in a constant state of starting over.

Many fathers wonder why their sons don’t want to be with them very much as they get older. It might be the allure of the exciting new world out there for them. It could be that they are being like the prodigal son before he repented. But sometimes it’s because the dad is not like the father in the parable. Instead, he reminds his son of his failures far too often. The son in Jesus’ parable knew his father was a gracious and forgiving man. That’s why he had courage to go home when he had reached the end of his rope. Many fathers act more like the older brother than like the father in the parable. The older brother was stuck on the enormity of the cost of his brother’s sins. He couldn’t see his brother as a family member. He saw him as a terrible family employee. He was blind to the fact that he even treated himself like an employee and his father like a boss. He had robbed himself of a real grace based relationship too.

If you are having a hard time not viewing your son in the light of all of his sins, don’t be surprised if he won’t stick around to share his life with you. It hurts too much for him to do that. If he does stick around, he might turn out like that older brother, living under rules and family policies like your family is some sort of corporation. He won’t be too forgiving of you either. His love for you will be conditional. You don’t want that any more than he does.

Sons already have an obsession for their father’s approval. They unconsciously weigh every day whether or not their dad loves and respects them. When a father doesn’t forgive and often brings up the sins of the past, he can make his son lose hope that he will ever experience what he longs for, that is, a safe place with his dad where he doesn’t have to live with his past.

So, why would a father struggle to forgive his son and refuse to remind him of his failings? Here’s the reason: Either he is weak in his Christian faith or he has no faith in Jesus at all.

It’s just that simple. How do we know this is true? Because when we understand Christ and how he has won for us full and free forgiveness from our terrible sins against his father, then we live in a state of unconditional forgiveness. We understand forgiveness. We believe in forgiveness. And we share forgiveness. A forgiving father will refuse to hold the failings of a son or daughter over them.

So, what about you? Do you remind your son of what he has done wrong long after it has been dealt with? When the family gathers around on special occasions do you parade his faults out on stage for everyone to remember? Do you make his faults an object of humor to get a laugh from your siblings and cousins or close friends? Do you keep seething about how much his mistakes have cost you? Jesus never does that to you. That’s why you feel so close and safe with him. Give your son the same place in your life. If you’ve reminded him of sins long past, chose a quiet moment to apologize to him and ask for forgiveness. It’ll turn his world upside down in a good way. He will see in you what God is like and his faith in God will grow as you model God for him.

Oh, and don’t forget this one thing: Your son knows you aren’t God. So, don’t try to be God in your own mind. You are a fallible dad. You are forgiven. God loves you like he loves your son. In God’s mind you are not the “screw up” dad. You are his child too. He has forgiven you for being a crummy father also. Now, forgive yourself. Dust yourself off and get back in the game of creating a home where your son doesn’t have to live with his past.

Pain is Gain

Excerpt from Don Patterson's upcoming book on raising boys. 

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” – Hebrews 12:7-11

 

Why do sugar cane farmers set their entire crop on fire right before they harvest it?  It’s because burning the leaves off of sugar cane has several benefits.  First, it increases the sugar production of the cane.  Secondly, it improves the quality of the sugar in the stalks.  Thirdly, it reduces production time and costs by 25-30%.  Those are some significant benefits.  When you see a sugar cane field burning it looks like a natural disaster.  It’s not.  It is a refining process that makes the cane better.  God refines us like sugar cane farmers refine their fields.  He “burns off “ unwanted leaves and refines attitudes deep in our souls.  It never seems joyful for the present.  It always feels like a disaster when you are going through it, but later it yields a much greater blessing than you could ever imagine. (Hebrews 12)

 

Do you remember Joseph in the Old Testament?  His story is in Genesis.  He was the eleventh and favorite son of Jacob.  His father gave him a nice new coat of many expensive colors that his brothers never got.  God favored him with dreams about a day in the future when his whole family would bow to him as the leader.  He foolishly rubbed the coat and the dreams in his brother’s faces.  They hated him for it.  And from that day forward they made his life a living hell.  First, they threatened to kill him way out in the wilderness.  Then they sold him to traveling slave traders hoping that he’d live out his life as a piece of property instead of a proprietor over their destinies.  They smeared his coat of many colors in goat’s blood and showed it to their dad.  He never went and looked for Joseph assuming he was dead.  

 

Joseph was sold again to a military ruler named Potiphar.  God blessed Joseph with favor in Potiphar’s mind but not with freedom.  God kept “burning” Joseph’s field.  It seemed wherever he went there was someone bent on his destruction.  Potiphar’s wife wanted him as a sex slave.  Joseph wanted to remain a slave for God.  One day she grabbed his coat to pull him into bed.  He did what 99 % of all young virile men in the world would not do.  He left his coat in her hands and ran out of the house in faithful fear.  She was so angry she wanted him to die.  When Potiphar came home she told him that Joseph tried to rape her.  Potiphar didn’t kill Joseph but he made him lower than a slave.  He threw him in prison.  Ancient Egyptian prisons were the most despicable places on earth.  Things happened there that no one wants to talk or hear about.  But God blessed Joseph.  He was so favored in jail that he got to carry the keys as a trustee.  Then one time Pharaoh’s two highest servants got thrown into prison where Joseph was.  They were terrified that they might soon be executed.  One night they both had dreams.  When they asked Joseph what he thought of the dreams, God gave him the interpretation.  He told the baker-servant that he would be executed in three days.  He told the cup-bearer he would be restored to service to Pharaoh after those same three days.  Joseph begged the cup-bearer to remember him when he got back to the palace and to get him out of that terrible prison.  In his own mind, Joseph was the most unjustly punished person in Egypt!  But once again, another human being was used by God to “burn” Joseph’s field.  The cup-bearer forgot about Joseph for two years.  That is, until Pharaoh had dreams that troubled him.  Everyone was troubled when Pharaoh was troubled.  Because when Pharaoh was troubled heads rolled.  That’s when the cup-bearer remembered Joseph.  he said to Pharaoh, “I remember this guy in prison that God has blessed to interpret dreams.  Pharaoh had Joseph brought to the palace and after he interpreted his dreams, Pharaoh elevated Joseph to the highest office in the land.  

 

For years God had been “burning” Joseph’s fields. But now he was blessed, positioned and refined to be a blessing to millions of people.  All that “burning” made sense at the end of the story but not in the middle.  Life doesn’t add up in the middle because not all the addends are there.  We have to wait on the Lord.  No one likes to wait, not even Joseph.    

    

As the Pharaoh’s highest leader Joseph lead an amazing agricultural campaign.  Under him the Egyptians gathered and stored grain for seven years.  It was enough grain to feed the entire civilized world for a long time!  When the seven years of drought followed the seven good years, then the entire middle eastern world came to Egypt to buy grain from Joseph.  And so there came his brothers, begging for him to sell them grain, bowing down to him just as his childhood dreams had pictured.  But they didn’t recognize Joseph.  

 

So, what did the “refined” Joseph do?  Did he rub it in?  Did he get even?  Did he take revenge?  No!  He couldn’t.  He had been changed.  Instead, he forgave and he gave.  In that way Joseph became the most explicit example of Christ like love that we see in the Old Testament.  But it all came from his “burning fields.”  God “burns” our fields to position us for greater blessings and to refine us to be a greater blessing than we are right now.  Young men need to learn this or they stay childish like Joseph’s brothers for their entire lives.  Their dads are in a good place to teach them, that is, if their dads understand this truth in their own lives.  

 

Do you remember a time in your life when God “burned” your field?  Remember the deep pain you felt, how disappointed you were?  It’s easy to be so traumatized by the pain of past experiences that we forget about all the blessings that come from them.  If you haven’t stopped to count any of the blessings, you won’t be ready to use your life as a teaching moment in the life of your son.  He needs you to be ready to reframe his situation when his field is “burning.”  What if, when your son is hurting over his “burning field” you pulled up next to him and asked if you could share with him a story from your life that he has never heard?  What if you told him the reason you haven’t talked about it up till then was because it hurt too much?  But then, what if you pulled up the sleeve over your heart and showed him the scar by telling the story.  When you told it, you were honest about how deeply you hurt and how you hope you never have to hurt like that again.  What if, you made sure that you told him one or even two big ‘”take aways” you got from that experience?  

 

Do you know what that talk would do?  It would teach your son that life hurts.  It would teach him that God allows it to hurt to refine the man inside of him.  It would give him hope that he would live through his “burning” and that someday he’d not only see the blessings but would be able to tell someone else, maybe his son or daughter what our had God taught him.  It would teach him to be vulnerable by the way you shared your hurt with him.  Girls don’t have any trouble being vulnerable but boys are lied to at a very early age.  They are told that boys aren’t supposed to cry.  They hear that they aren’t supposed to cry.  But they interpret it as “they aren’t supposed to feel and be vulnerable.”  But you, as his father, as the one who holds his heart in your hands, if you show that life hurts and that it good to let it hurt as you look to God for what good he will bring from it – then you will be rearing a man that not many people get to see.  You will help God create another Joseph for the generation following you.  

 

Make it your aim to live with your son during his dark times.  Show him that you live in the same trench, in the same cataclysmic struggle to understand life that he does.  Show him that God is good even when he “burns” our field of dreams!   Help him become the man God wants all of us to be.